What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 06:21
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
How was cancer treatment different in the US and the UK?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She loved him until the end.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What is something you want to "get off your chest"?
She married twice! .
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She wouldn,t have been !
I could never make a relationship work though!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was scared of men, in general
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Can I see some saggy tit pics and huge areolas pics?
I have no regrets .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
How do I become a Buddhist, and can someone explain Buddhism to me?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I think the readers, may guess!
One cannot live in the past .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was 9 years of age.
But it wasn’t much.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My life is so biszare .
Im still living with it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
(And it was in our own minds.)
So, i spoilt her more .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But, we were locked up after school.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were not on the streets..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I said to her
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was seconnd youngest,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ive learnt so much.
She found it foreign!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Put me off passion for life!!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was in good health!
Comes on , in middle age.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was very sick at this time too.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I waited trembling.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
All the time i was locked up.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
What did i know ?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is soul school!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i lived it daily.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It was going to be , some day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I write beautiful poetry .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So whats the point in blame.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When she asked me how she looked .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We all went to grammer schools
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I don,t even have a pension.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My family never makes their pension either.
Would this be the day?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.